I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
