I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
