Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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