I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
