You just made me feel so damn special
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
