Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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