im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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