wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
