We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Randomize
