I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
