Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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