First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
