I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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