Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize