my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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