Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
