You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
