I think scott just propositioned me for sex
On imdb the canadians say It's amazing
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
