just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
