i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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