is your mom at the bar?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
