Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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