i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dear god my vagina.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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