after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
