mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
is that a dick in a sweater?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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