So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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