hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
