So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
