i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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