went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
