One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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