I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
