Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
