You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
this boner is exhausting
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
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