How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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