that's what penises do
they tell lies.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
