I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
