And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
