dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
