My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize