We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
