my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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