Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
