My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
