He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
