i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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