....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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