and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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