Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
high people should be assigned attendants
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
