It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
the gays at disneyland are vicious
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
