You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
