We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
