I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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