Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
