And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
