And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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